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How to care for your kitty

From joeyhemlock's journal, and too hysterical not to propogate:


postmoderngirl and bristlesage agreed to look in on Elsie Moo-Cow (my cat, for those of you who were living under a rock) today. I forgot to leave them a list of instructions before I left, so I'll just do it here:

  1. The food's in the bedroom. That way, when she decides to crunch the kibble at 3am, she's right there with me.
  2. Just fill up the bowl, and she'll eat what she wants. If she gets too fat, i'll just berate her until she diets. And if that doesn't work, I'll get rid of her and get a younger, thinner cat.
  3. Play with her a lot. She likes to play.
  4. Pet her a lot. She likes to be petted.
  5. In the event of an emergency, find a vet. I haven't yet.
  6. If her meows sound mean, tell her to respect the rules of the house. I won't put up with her attitude.
  7. Do NOT bring up the AL Designated Hitter rule. You'll never hear the end of it.
  8. If her fur turns bright yellow and she curls up into a tiny little sphere, chances are you're looking at a tennis ball.
  9. She won't eat Frankenberry, but she likes to bat it around and pretend like it moved on its own.
  10. Don't let her watch porn. She's just a baby.
  11. Catnip is in the closet by the bedroom, on the top shelf. Sprinkle it on her scratcher thingy, and watch the hilarity ensue. Actually, hilarity doesn't normally ensue.
  12. I refuse to clean out her litterbox anymore. Every time I do, she just poops in it.
  13. I suspect that she's trafficking Cocaine. I can't seem to catch her in the act, but there's a lot of calls to South America on my cell phone bill, and she insists on being called 'Rico'.
  14. Try not to look jealous when she's licking her own crotch.
  15. If you shave her, go with the grain or the Queer Eye guys will make fun of you.
  16. She won't fetch. She says it's demeaning, but she doesn't seem to mind showing her butthole to anyone who will look.
  17. She likes to dress up like an Amish girl. Well, she doesn't like it, but I do. Actually, no I don't. I wonder why we do that...
  18. If you roast her, make sure you cook her until the juices run clear. Take her out of the oven at 165 degrees and she'll raise to the safe level of 180 while sitting on the corner. Please don't roast her with turnips, because she doesn't like turnips, and that would be mean.
  19. She doesn't like it when football teams use the prevent defense at the end of a game. She says it just prevents you from winning.
  20. Make sure she does her algebra homework or she'll never get into a good college.
  21. Critics have called her poetry "jejune" and "dross". I told her those are good things. Don't break her poor little kitty heart, huh?
  22. She's a rabid Real Madrid fan, but don't let her paint her face. I don't want a repeat of what happened last time.
  23. She's fiscally moderate, but socially liberal. She'd vote for Leiberman but she thinks Jews control the weather. It's actually the Masons that control the weather, of course. They're so cute when they're young.
  24. Sometimes her friends come over and they perform kabuki theater. Just humor them.
  25. Don't let her friend Fancypants McDoodlebutt come in. He's a bad influence.
  26. She doesn't like it when you swing her around by her tail. Um, probably.
  27. If she breaks it, she buys it.

Comments

( 4 comments — Comment )
joeyhemlock
Dec. 1st, 2003 01:24 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it so much... I think you're smurvy-doopy.
esprix
Dec. 1st, 2003 02:51 pm (UTC)
You too, you freakish human beat box!
akirashima
Dec. 1st, 2003 09:55 pm (UTC)
DAMN THAT WAS FUNNY (especially since we paint our one cat up as a kabuki dancer on occasion which incedentally is nearly period or late period cause the cats on stage would not wear masks. I am so not kidding.) and was well timed bit of humour since i am just now talking to my mate Tad and found out his Grandmother died today.
esprix
Dec. 2nd, 2003 11:05 am (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it - I was rolling when I read it. Reminded me much of my own kitty. :) And my best to Tad.
( 4 comments — Comment )

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