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My friend Stuart

Stuart died today.

I can't believe I just wrote that.

I talked to Wyatt after getting the heads up about the posts on his Facebook. The only thing I could think to do was call Stuart's cell phone, and Wyatt picked up. How surrealistically morbid.

They'd gone to a birthday part last night, and everyone had a great time, drinking and gaming and hanging out. They both went to bed before midnight, and about 1:00 a.m. Stuart woke Wyatt up and said to get the neighbors because he was having a heart attack (apparently he'd had one in 2003 or so, before I met him). While they were waiting for the paramedics Wyatt was trying to keep Stuart calm, and apparently said something along the lines of it being his fault. True to form, Stuart said not to be silly, that anything he did he did to himself.

Wyatt said he did lose consciousness, and the paramedics had to resuscitate him, and then they were off to the hospital. They told him they needed to stabilize him and then they were going to take him into emergency surgery (bypass? pacemaker?), and the family had been notified so Wyatt should just go home. The nurse even said his chances were good.

When Wyatt went back later in the day, they told him he'd died around 6:00.


Wyatt said his mother is on her way to San Diego (I seem to recall she and his sister live in the Baltimore area), and his father may be on his way, too. She's going to stay with Wyatt at their apartment tonight. Wyatt also had friends over today to help him through this. I feel bad because Wyatt is now the de facto friends contact, so I told him I'd do my best to get the word out to as many people as possible so he wouldn't have to worry about it or deal with a lot of phone calls or whatnot (I've been there, and it's a horrible spot to be in). I'm posting to a lot of slash communities, plus I made some phone calls to some San Diego folks (Kevin, Corby, Daniel, plus Noel in the northeast) and have e-mailed a few people that I know knew Stuart personally.

So, yeah. I'm just stunned. I can't really process this yet.

I met Stuart at Gaylaxicon in 2004, and together we started San Diego Queer Sci-Fi. We had a booth at a couple of Prides, and he started a book club and the monthly movie outings. He came to Myke's weekly gaming night, and we had a pretty good gang going. I got him involved with Conjecture, and he used to scout out artwork at other conventions if he thought I would like it. He also dragged me (somewhat kicking and screaming) into slash fandom, even taking me to CON.TXT last year, which is the last time I got to spend time with him in person (although I would often call him when I felt homesick for San Diego, despite his impending move to Seattle). I found out a whole new side of him at the con - it turns out he's quite famous in slash fandom for not only being one of the few men, but also for his insights into m/m relationships that straight women never had a resource for before. It was a real treat to see his contributions to the community, and how much he was loved there.

Stuart was infamous for hating having his picture taken, but I took this one the night before I left San Diego in 2005 as all my friends were playing board games at a local coffee shop (he's on the far right):

It's still one of my favorite pictures, and now one of the few I have of him. Still, every time I see it, I can still hear him saying, "What's your damage, Heather?"

I will miss you, Stuart. I will miss you very, very much.


( 53 comments — Comment )
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Jun. 15th, 2009 04:08 am (UTC)
I'm sorry for your loss. (offers a hug)

If you need an ear, you've got one here.
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:16 am (UTC)
Thanks, Iago.
[no subject] - doniago - Jun. 15th, 2009 04:19 am (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:13 am (UTC)
I'm stunned. I will miss him very much. I found you through brak666's post.

My thoughts are with Wyatt, and Stuart's family.

Jun. 15th, 2009 04:16 am (UTC)
Yeah, it's pretty dumbfounding.
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:35 am (UTC)
Thank again for letting people online know what happened. I'm also grateful to have a picture of him now.
Jun. 15th, 2009 12:46 pm (UTC)
There are more I've discovered, and hope to post them. I'm thinking of starting an LJ community to collect pictures and stories and whatnot.
[no subject] - logovo - Jun. 15th, 2009 02:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
[no subject] - jkusters - Jun. 15th, 2009 03:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:37 am (UTC)

I met Stuart in 2006, at Worldcon in L.A. We'd friended each other here (having previously exchanged comments via your LJ, I think), and he drove up from San Diego just to meet me and have dinner with me.

I was quite surprised to find out how well-known he was in the slash community, too. I remember offhandedly mentioning him to ozreison, who writes Stargate slash, and her response was, "OMG, YOU KNOW minotaurs???"

Jun. 15th, 2009 12:46 pm (UTC)
Yeah, the whole community seems affected by it.
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:41 am (UTC)
Jun. 15th, 2009 04:58 am (UTC)
Thanks for providing additional details. I don't envy Wyatt; I don't know how I'd handle being in his position. I'm kinda glad that Stuart's family is going to be there. Funny thing, I didn't know he actually had family. He never talked about them.

Oh, man, it's gonna take weeks to process this.
Jun. 15th, 2009 05:59 am (UTC)
I didn't know him nearly as well as many of y'all did, but...it just doesn't feel real right now, and so I'm not processing it at all.

It's just so unexpected.
Jun. 15th, 2009 06:35 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for passing along the news. Oh, such sadness, we will all miss him...

And thank you for posting the photo.
Jun. 15th, 2009 06:38 am (UTC)
I never met him -- I'm just one of the slash writers who found his website immensely helpful, then I friended him on LJ when I spotted him there. He was such a great guy.

Jun. 15th, 2009 06:54 am (UTC)
Godspeed to your friend Alan. My thoughts and prayers are with you in your time of grief.
Jun. 15th, 2009 07:00 am (UTC)
And BTW, if you need to talk, I've got two ears and nothing in between, so I'm a real good listener. I'd love to learn more about your friend.
Jun. 15th, 2009 07:56 am (UTC)

I'm astonished and saddened. Never met him personally, but we were on each other's Flist and talked quite a bit.

I'm so sorry. I just don't know what to say...
Jun. 15th, 2009 08:37 am (UTC)
I can't even put together words for this. I just checked in on LJ for the first time in about a week and saw Nolly's post followed by yours. Shock doesn't even begin to cover it. I'll miss him like mad. He was a total sweetie and, for me, always one of the high points of Conjecture was getting to see/talk with him and find out what all he was up to. He's been one of my favorite people since I first met him. (At G-Con or previously, at a Conjecture? I can't even remember. He's just tied in my memory with all that is San Diego.)

My deepest sympathies to his family and loved ones and those who knew him so much better. I can't even imagine their pain and loss.

Jun. 15th, 2009 10:29 am (UTC)
Alan, thanks for posting this and for the call.

I am of course heartsick. Stuart and I had known each other for 30 years, since we first met in Berkeley, CA at 16 and had managed to keep in touch over the years. He was a brother, if not by blood then definitely in spirit. He had many moments together, from various episodes of teenage "misspent youth" through to my divorce 3 years ago.

I miss him so very much.

Noel Sardalla
Jun. 15th, 2009 12:13 pm (UTC)
condolence to all who matter to Stuart. May his God rest him in peace.
Jun. 15th, 2009 01:01 pm (UTC)
Holy crap!

I'm stunned. *hugs* :(
Jun. 15th, 2009 07:03 pm (UTC)
Ah, yes, I forgot you'd have known him, too. Did you ever meet him in person? He was a delight.
[no subject] - blktauna.insanejournal.com - Jun. 15th, 2009 07:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
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( 53 comments — Comment )

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