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Daniel, Q & Pride

OK, so Daniel told me last night he's decided not to drive Christopher's car for the Gaylaxicon contingent in the parade because he's afraid he's going to have another anxiety attack around Quincy.

Bleargh.

John has a somewhat similar situation when it comes to Pride, so I've seen it happen first-hand with him - although the best of the GLBT community comes out at Pride, so does the worst, including the shallowness of both physical attraction and lack of appreciation of mental acuity. Me, I'm used to it and am able to ignore it for the most part (I'll even admit there are times when I'm just as shallow), but when it's not something you're exposed to on a regular basis, nor are you able to overlook (as John is not on both counts), it gets to you, and can, in those predisposed to it, really depress you, especially when you start comparing yourself to others, or comparing yourself to their standards of what you "should be" as a GLBT person. (Damn, I really hope cd332 reads this!) John has come home from the past two Pride festivals and been horribly depressed for days afterwards, so although I don't understand it as I am not able to experience it to the depth he does, I acknowledge that's who he is and how he feels, and I respect his decision to skip it this year - it sounds like the most healthy thing for him to do. Am I disappointed he won't be there? Of course I am. But at least he's made a couple of attempts to overcome his anxieties, and is in a frame of mind to know he's not capable to handle it this year. (And John, feel free to clarify or correct any of that if it's inaccurate.)

So now I have Daniel, only I need to switch "Quincy" with "Pride," and it's the same net effect.

Am I disappointed with the situation, that Daniel has these feelings and is having problems dealing with them? Yes.

But.

Truth be told, I'm a little disappointed in him as well, for three reasons - one, I see him using the situation as a justification to climb back into his shell; two, I see him not using the situation as an opportunity to confront his feelings (after all, he's been saying he wants to be able to hang with me and Q, as it's obvious Q isn't going anywhere); and three, I'm feeling more than a little let down that in an hour of need (and getting this parade contingent together is most assuredly a NEED for Gaylaxicon) I can't depend on him, which I always thought I could.

As I told him, I recognize and acknowledge that his feelings are his feelings and he has no control over them, and that perhaps he's not ready to deal with them just yet, so I am mostly disappointed in this being the situation, and I am going to focus on that for now as it's a larger and far more important issue. I want Daniel to get better in dealing with this, or he'll end up turning out like his ex who can't even go to an airport because of his anxieties.

I hope, however, that he will soon change his response to his feelings and confront them and deal with them, because if things don't change, I will certainly be in a quandry. Both Daniel and Quincy are extremely important to me, and if they cannot coexist in my life, I will have a problem. (And no, Daniel, that is not your excuse to cut and run so you don't cause me any problems, so don't even say it.) I have been trying to give him space since the 4th so he can concentrate on work, but I wonder how long this will continue.

Comments

jkusters
Jul. 25th, 2003 02:08 pm (UTC)
You're about 50% there on why I react the way I do at Pride. The rest of it is general personal insecurities. I've been wanting to try and put it into words, so maybe I'll take the opportunity to do so and post it, though it might be friends-only.

As for Mr. Daniel, I'm sure you'd agree that he does have to live his own life and while we can hope that he does it in a way that we see as healthy and happy, we can't force that choice on him. I'm hoping that when the job situation becomes more stable that we do see him more often, and I hope he is able to work out his issues with Q in a healthy way.

I won't say that I know what D is feeling, but I know I have been in a situation where seeing someone and having to interact with that someone can cause more pain than it is worth, no matter how many people might get disappointed in the process. In my case, the person in question I shall call G. G was everything I wanted in a person: beautiful, hunky, charming, outgoing, effervescent, smart, confident, yada yada. Well, events happened (which are not important to this comment) and while I was still very interested in him, he became very uninterested in me. That got so twisted around in my head that every time we were in each other's presence, his presence caused so much pain that I went out of my way to be rude and snotty around him. I honestly don't know why, but it became a mission for me. I know I pissed a lot of people off with my behavior, and many people called me immature (deservedly). But being near G was so thoroughly painful that I found myself very powerless to change my behavior. I should have found ways to avoid him, but we had many friends in common, who invited us to the same events. Anyway, it finally ended when he left school to move in with his new out-of-town boyfriend.

That story, long and stupid though it may be, is intended to point out that while I may not know the specifics of why D feels he can't be around when Q is, I can imagine a situation where I would feel the same way. If I can forgive myself for being the total ass I was, I can easily forgive Daniel for doing what I see is the smart thing and not making the situation worse by being there.

(Now I realize I may be coming across as chastising, but that is really not my intention. Just trying to give another point of view that you may or may not have considered.)

JOhn.
esprix
Jul. 25th, 2003 02:32 pm (UTC)
Not at all. I get all that. It all make sense. I understand his insecurities. I understand what's going on in his life. I might even have more stuff figured out than even he knows.

I still feel let down. I'll get over it.

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