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Ruminations on a Wednesday


Well Quincy finally called last night. Of course, by the time I got to my phone it had stopped ringing, but at least he left a message. He couldn't call because the blasted phone system was down again, and he said he's off on another mission for a couple of days, so I might not hear from him again until the weekend. At least I know he's ok, although I've kind of been making myself upset the last few nights when my mind starts churning when I'm in bed trying to go to sleep, so I really wanted to talk to him.

sigh

In other news, Kevin and I found another great pick-up team last night and I dinged 26, so that was fun. And tonight is gaming, which will also be fun. I'm still looking for a copy of Rette Sich Wer Kann, but they're hard to come by, so the hunt continues (yay eBay!).

mike14780 turned me onto a term I'd never heard before:

Quirkyalone: noun/adj. A person who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than dating for the sake of being in a couple. With unique traits and an optimistic spirit; a sensibility that transcends relationship status. See also quirkytogether, perkytogether, quirkyslut.
I never knew my train of thought about singledom had a word, but now I see I'm not alone. In the past friends would whine at me, "I need a boyfriend," to which my response has always been, you need oxygen, water and sustenance; you may really, really want a boyfriend, but you do not need a boyfriend. That said, why is it you really, really want a boyfriend? What is he going to give you that you can't give yourself? Do you want a loving companion, or do you want an "insert boyfriend here" cardboard cutout? I see this trend among both young, unmarried women and many, many gay men, this weird, society-influenced "MUSTBEMARRIEDNOWPLZKTHNKSBYE" mentality that frankly sets my teeth on edge. If more people concentrated on themselves, and making themselves happy (as cliche as that sounds), a relationship, should one come along (and who says one will?), will be that much stronger for you being you.

I've said it before about my relationship with Quincy, too. Before him I was, as this website would call it, a quirkyslut - perfectly happy being single if that's where I was, and perfectly happy being in a relationship if I was with someone I actually liked being with (and not because I felt some pressure to be with someone, regardless of who). Admittedly when I was younger I went through the "I need a boyfriend" phase as well, but somewhere along the line (and I wish I could pinpoint exactly where) I learned that I'm me, I'm fine with me, and I'm better off being with me than some loser who isn't worth my time just for the sake of being in a relationship. So I went along happily slutting around, dating someone if I felt like dating them (and my definition of dating has always been "spending time with someone to see if you want to spend more time with them"), and breaking up if I didn't want to spend time with them anymore. I've had successful relationships both long and short, and been happy being single in between them, coming to the realization that, hey, there's a good possibility that I will never meet someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with, so if that happens, does that mean I'm going to walk around in self-imposed misery for the rest of my life? Shaaa! As if. So this put me in a very positive frame of mind when I met Quincy, who himself was going through something similar at the same time, and it left me open to the possibility of having a relationship with him if it felt right - and it did, and here we are, coming up on two years, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, not because it's expected, but because I love him and I want to.

I guess it all ties back into one's sense of self-worth (as most things do in life), but I'd love to see some people who talk so freely about "needing" a boyfriend to learn to love themselves a little better. And I'm certainly not dissing anyone's feelings of lonliness or unwantedness, which are perfectly valid and understandable and human and normal, but these are temporary feelings, and, more importantly, validation can only come from within - no relationship or boyfriend can give you something you can't give yourself.

OK, now I'm starting to sound like a self-help guru, but this has been irking me for quite some time. I read my friends' LJs about how desperate they are to find a boyfriend, and all I can think is, "How sad."

Comments

( 41 comments — Comment )
(Deleted comment)
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:03 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I want to be with Quincy 'cause I love him, not because I'm desperately clinging onto someone because that's what "makes me a better person."

I do, however, want a house. :P
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[no subject] - esprix - Jun. 1st, 2005 10:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:02 pm (UTC)
At least you recognize healthy self-loving1 as a goal, as opposed to "OMGMUSTFINDBOYFRIENDNOW!" being one.

I recognize you get lonely, but only you can snap yourself out of it, and you seem to do a pretty good job from what I see. Good for you! :D
[no subject] - esprix - Jun. 1st, 2005 08:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
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[no subject] - esprix - Jun. 1st, 2005 08:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
[no subject] - esprix - Jun. 1st, 2005 08:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:00 pm (UTC)
Hell, I didn't even WANT a relationship when I met Quincy, I was so happy being single. But then I saw the face, and the smile, and the SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, and, well, couldn't resist. :D
(Deleted comment)
[no subject] - esprix - Jun. 2nd, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
suba_al_hadid
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:12 pm (UTC)
Woot! That's something I finally came to grips with before I decided to get divorced. Thanks for putting it into words!
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:25 pm (UTC)
Smart crickets, the two of us. :)
[no subject] - nazcr - Jun. 2nd, 2005 02:09 am (UTC) - Expand
[no subject] - esprix - Jun. 2nd, 2005 05:00 am (UTC) - Expand
[no subject] - nazcr - Jun. 2nd, 2005 06:01 am (UTC) - Expand
[no subject] - esprix - Jun. 2nd, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
bescincimevsim
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:13 pm (UTC)
Glad to hear Q's safe and sound - it's a bugger about the communications system, but at least you know he's ok and thinking of you. I'm remembering him in my prayers for what it's worth :)
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:26 pm (UTC)
A co-worker said she'd do some chants for me, and I'm all like, we'll take any positive energy anyone wants to send us, so thanks. :)
[no subject] - bescincimevsim - Jun. 1st, 2005 08:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
sistercoyote
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:13 pm (UTC)
The oddest thing about me is that I've always been in that "group" - I never went through the "I need a boyfriend" phase, and have always been content being alone.

And I really have a hard time getting the other mindset.

Which drives my mother ape, because she can't understand me.
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:22 pm (UTC)
It doesn't help that our parents' generations often are of the same mindset - "You're 30 years old and single? What's wrong with you?"
rvrjoe775
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:20 pm (UTC)
relationships
"validation can only come from within - no relationship or boyfriend can give you something you can't give yourself."

That's true, but being in a committed relationship will enable you to grow in new ways you wouldn't as a single person. I don't think I'd be as happy being single, but did I "need" a boyfriend? Probably not, and in fact Andrew came into my life at a time I distinctly wasn't looking for one. (Surprise, here's love, deal with it.)
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:23 pm (UTC)
Re: relationships
Oh no doubt relationships will help you grow, but that's the point - being in a relationship because you're with someone who helps you grow is great! But being in a relationship because you think the relationship in and of itself is the answer to your problems? Not so good, and ultimately leads to disasters.

My UU minister once told me that gay men sometimes get married for the reason straight couples sometimes have children - to save their relationship. How horrible would that be?
platypus
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:22 pm (UTC)
My problem with things like "quirkyalone" is that anyone who willingly defines themselves as "quirky" immediately loses actual quirkiness. Quirky happens; if you're aspiring to it, it's, like, quirkyfake.

(Of course, I scored 110 on the test -- they don't give a scale, but I'm in the "very" category. But c'mon, these questions can largely be answered the same way by pathetic geeks who spent their entire lives believing they could never possibly get laid, and that probably describes me more than quirkyanything. And "have you ever gone to a movie alone"? There are people for whom this is unusual? There are people who wanted to go to a prom? Actually, Ken went to his prom. In a white tux. I haven't had the heart to tell him those pictures are terrifying.)
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:27 pm (UTC)
I wanted to go to the prom! :P (then again, I'm a dork)

Regardless of the self-identifier (I didn't even see the quiz you're talking about), the mindset is valid, and I wish more people would subscribe to it.

And I want a pony. NOW.
[no subject] - platypus - Jun. 1st, 2005 08:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
duhpens
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:56 pm (UTC)
I agree with everything you're saying. I was in a really depressed place when Tom and I started dating. Becuase he was my best friend he helped me through that. THEN we started dating. Since then, and the past 3 years of marriage, I have grown immensely (as has he). Plus he has brought to my attention things I never noticed before, and he pushes me to do more. As far as relationships go, hands down, I don't know of a better relationship than ours. But I'm probably biased. But a lot of people, if they knew EVERYTHING about our relationship, would think we were booby trapping our marriage. Marriage to us is more about the friendship and companionship, and growing together. I think way too many people focus on the "physicallity" of marriage, i.e. sex, doing things with other people than each other, blah blah blah. It's strange and I could go way deeper, but I won't bore you. Oh - and yay for Quincy finally calling.
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 11:01 pm (UTC)
No, I'm totally hearing you. There's a great song I've loved for eons called Rising In Love:

Everyone talks about tying the knot
But I have a hard time agreeing
With the way that we bind up the love that we've got
When the feeling of love should be freeing
Lifting each other up
Instead of giving one another a shove
We won't be falling at all, we'll be rising in love
It's not like, "Whew! Now that I'm married, everything hard in life is over!" Hardly! It's just the start, so if you're not in the right place to begin with, how can it last?

And people from the outside sometimes think that Q and I have a stormy relationship, but we both laugh at that because we both know it's not true - we fight, we argue, we kid around, but we're honest, we challenge, we grow, and we LOVE. So we don't mind what they think.

Besides, he makes me laugh. :D
minotaurs
Jun. 1st, 2005 08:58 pm (UTC)
How odd, I would havd guessed that I'd be 100% quirkyalone, but I only scored 74 - "Somewhat quirkyalone (otherwise known as quirkytogether): You are probably part of a mysterious group of people, the quirkytogethers. You share many of our quirky qualities, but you manage to find yourself, on a regular basis, in a coupled situation. Interesting."

Maybe that's because it's springtime, and this young man's thoughts have turned to romance...
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 10:25 pm (UTC)
I scored, appropriately enough, 69:

How quirkyalone are you?
Your score was 69. Somewhat quirkyalone (otherwise known as quirkytogether):
You are probably part of a mysterious group of people, the quirkytogethers. You share many of our quirky qualities, but you manage to find yourself, on a regular basis, in a coupled situation. Interesting.
Yeah, I do - it's called tricking. Hee!
[no subject] - esprix - Jun. 1st, 2005 10:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
jsciv
Jun. 1st, 2005 09:23 pm (UTC)
Glad you heard from Q. I knew you were missing him, but you covered it quite well on Sunday. Hopefully that means we were entertaining enough for you! :)

Unfortunately I love my copy of the Lifeboat Game too much for you to buy it off of me. But I'm sure you'll manage to get one eventually. It's definitely one of the fun ones!

I scored 102. I think, BTW, that there is a HUGE emotional difference between the reasons gay men need boyfriends and women need boyfriends in general. But I don't really have time to write the essay today.
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 11:06 pm (UTC)
No, no, please pontificate! I wanna hear! :)

And yes, you were all quite fun and all, plus Kevin and I had a way good time driving up and back (he's good people, but next time I'm gonna bring some other fun gamers with me, like minotaurs or adventdragon or a couple other people who game with us regularly). Gaming and CoH help distract me from dwelling too much on what's going on, which is why it usually hits me when I'm finally alone and settled with no distractions.

Oh, and I WILL get a copy of that game somehow. Must keep looking...
galtine1
Jun. 1st, 2005 09:28 pm (UTC)
47 - Sometimes quirky
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 11:06 pm (UTC)
No, you're always quirky. :)

Thanks for the candles! Squee!
mroctober
Jun. 1st, 2005 10:11 pm (UTC)
An interesting post and commentry.

In all honesty and without--for once--my trademark mopery--I have had very little experience being part of a couple. I think my longest relationship was maybe 4-5 months. I have only had 2 "boyfriends" -- I hate how so many gay men declare the guy they started dating as a bf even after a few weeks; I only think of someone as a bf after months. So anyway, back to my point or so... I have dated a number of guys though, but honestly not that many and have both hid and given up for the past 4 years and even the notion of casual hookups -- which I once took pleasure in -- now seem terrifying.

But I think I was always finding fault with the guys I dated so early in getting to know them. My best friends compared me to Seinfeld. Holly always said I needed to date geeky guys or those into fandom but I never found any, of course, at the bars or clubs. Well except for the satanist I met at a pornshack. He was geeky but carried knives so that lasted one date.

Anyways, by the time I figured I should possibly meet guys at conventions or such, the geeky arenas, I had lost the funds to travel to them.

Do I honestly want a boyfriend? I think so. I worry over being alone too much. I miss having someone to chat with -- but then I always hated banal evening phone calls with some of the guys I dated (I felt, why must we speak every night?)-- or to do stuff with. I miss the physical nature (I want to kiss something other than my cat's bald belly). So I don't know.

Make any sense?
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 11:08 pm (UTC)
Makes a lot of sense! Lonliness is natural, but the more you work on your own self, your own goals, and being comfortable in your own skin, the happier - ultimately - you'll be, whether you're single or not. Bouts in funks or periods of lonliness are to be expected - we're human beings, after all, and us mammals like to be touched and like to be in packs - but those are short-term problems. Concentrate on the long-term solution.
[no subject] - mroctober - Jun. 2nd, 2005 02:36 pm (UTC) - Expand
[no subject] - esprix - Jun. 2nd, 2005 04:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
montrealais
Jun. 1st, 2005 10:35 pm (UTC)
You wanna know sad?

When I was with Tom, I felt better about myself than I ever had. When I broke up with him, I plunged into a funk that has lasted to the present day... only interrupted with that period in early summer 2004 where I got copiously laid, afterwards we went right back to the funk. *sigh*
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 11:06 pm (UTC)
Funks happen, but ultimately you're a worthwhile, amazingly interesting person that has a lot to offer yourself. I think you should take you out on a date. :)
tadhg603
Jun. 1st, 2005 11:14 pm (UTC)
I read something somewhere that was really cool, and fitting with your rant.

      "True Love happens when your Want to be together is stronger than your Need to be together."

Since I read that, I have struggled for that ideal. Of course I have also worked hard on the "Self Love" aspect, with more or less success in either direction. (Sometimes I love myself so much, I take everything and give nothing. Sometimes I love others so much that I give everything and take nothing.) But there is a balance, and I am looking for it, and eventually, I'll find it. I have plenty of time left to do that.

The best to you and yours. *wink*
esprix
Jun. 1st, 2005 11:55 pm (UTC)
Of course it's a struggle, but it starts within. :)

Thank you. :D
( 41 comments — Comment )

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