April 2nd, 2008


Um, whoops?

My second-oldest nephew, Michael, just got academically dismissed from Drexel. I guess he skated through his senior year of high school, but has now discovered the rink has closed, burned down and been rebuilt as a strip mall. Hopefully I can give him some insight as I, too, once did fairly poorly at the same school. THE CIRCLE MUST BE BROKEN.

"Honors college" my ass

Excuse me? Hi. I know you're just the perkiest student on campus, and I'm sure everyone adores you, but... hi, yes, please stop interrupting me before I... yes, hi, focus, girl, here, let me twirl this shiny thing for you... that's better. See, when you walk in and I'm talking to someone else, it's really very rude for you to walk right past me and make me stop myself to tell you you can't just walk right past me... yes, I know I asked you if I could help you, but that's what I was really saying... ok, yes, I know, please shut up now. Thank you. As I was saying, there was someone here before you, so you need to wait your turn. You also need to not walk right past me, as I'm the gatekeeper for the office... yes, isn't that funny, there's no gate here, but we still use the term... OK, focus on me again... there you go. It's also rude to interrupt me all the time with your stupid nonsensical ramblings. No, I don't want a cracker. No, I don't care if they're all organic. Yes, my Post-It notepad is cute. OK, do you not see the person I'm talking to right now? You know, the one that was here before you? Yes, him. See, I'm sure you don't think you're being rude and bossy and self-centered and annoying and ADD and an attention whore and disrespectful - I'm sure you think you're being bubbly and helpful and friendly and cute and your normal, type-A self. However, I'm here to tell you that you're the former, and that you are every time you come into this office when you ignore me and breeze right past me, or interrupt people when they're talking, or act so completely over the top ditzy that people literally blink in surprise at the sheer audacity of your will.

So, since I know I lost you about a minute and a half ago, let me sum up - just because you are trying to be friendly does not mean you are doing it right.

Now shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down, and wait your fucking turn, you ignorant fucking bimbo.

Thank you.